Free Trial Ad
Why Subscribe?
  • Player/Prospect News
  • Exclusive Insider Info
  • Members-Only Forums
  • Exclusive Videos
  • Subscribe Now!
InboxChat RoomChat Room (0 fans in chatroom)
Reply to TopicPost New Topic
  Page of 2  Next >

Coping with death?

Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 1:03 AM

Coping with death? 


I was just wondering I'm not good at funerals or calling hours. I hate the per-cession line both being in it or walking thru it, I never know what to do. I have to go to my aunts calling hours/funeral Wed and I just don't know what to do. Are there proper protocols for calling hours and funeral?

I'm not diminishing this or making lite of it but the previous 4 funerals were my 2 best friends, gpa and dad and I was toted along like a toddler for all of them. This is gonna be only the second funeral i'm going to that I am there for someone I don't know well. But I am gonna be there for my mom at all costs.
==================
Those who make peaceful resolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
The artist formerly known as SirPaul
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 1:26 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


The main thing is - you are there.  You are showing support by your presence.

In the line - "I'm sorry," "I am so sorry for your loss", "we'll all miss her".  Or something similar.  Hug people.  Seek out older folks who may be feeling ignored and let them tell you a couple stories you have probably heard before.

Don't make it harder - procedurally - than it is. 

Death is coming for all of us - we stand together as family and friends to diminish its impact and find a way to go on.

Custom Forum Image

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 1:48 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


For some reason, this made me think of an incident when I was younger and less comfortable going to funerals.  Plus, it was going to be a long, difficult service.

A good work friend of mine had an abusive father, and an older brother - a big guy - with some mental issues.  Brother stabs and kills the father.  I know the service is going to be one of those long, emotional black church services, with weeping and wailing.  And I really didn't want to sit through it.

So, I offered to watch the house for the family.  There had been robberies during funerals in the area, and I felt like I could do more for them by taking that worry off their shoulders.

The after service get together was going to be at the house, so I figured I'd spend the time getting their lawn in shape, as long as I was there.  I brought the mower and some edging tools, and I left them in the station wagon parked on the street, so they had no idea I'd be working while they were gone.

I proceeded to mow the lawn, edge, weed, shape the bushes a bit, bag everything up - did I mention it was going to be a long service? - and I had the lawn looking like a champ when all the immediate family began arriving back at the house.

The Mom - who I had met only like once before - hugs me and thanks me and compliments me on how wonderful the lawn looks for the reception.  And everyone is looking at her making a fuss about how great the grass looks.

She steps back, looks a me again and says; "And you know, I do believe this is the first time I ever had a white man cut my lawn."

They roared.  There must have been 30 people laughing so hard they had to hold each other up

Nothing like that first laugh after all the emotion of a funeral.

Custom Forum Image

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 3:36 AM

Re: Coping with death? 



T-Dog wrote: For some reason, this made me think of an incident when I was younger and less comfortable going to funerals.  Plus, it was going to be a long, difficult service.

A good work friend of mine had an abusive father, and an older brother - a big guy - with some mental issues.  Brother stabs and kills the father.  I know the service is going to be one of those long, emotional black church services, with weeping and wailing.  And I really didn't want to sit through it.

So, I offered to watch the house for the family.  There had been robberies during funerals in the area, and I felt like I could do more for them by taking that worry off their shoulders.

The after service get together was going to be at the house, so I figured I'd spend the time getting their lawn in shape, as long as I was there.  I brought the mower and some edging tools, and I left them in the station wagon parked on the street, so they had no idea I'd be working while they were gone.

I proceeded to mow the lawn, edge, weed, shape the bushes a bit, bag everything up - did I mention it was going to be a long service? - and I had the lawn looking like a champ when all the immediate family began arriving back at the house.

The Mom - who I had met only like once before - hugs me and thanks me and compliments me on how wonderful the lawn looks for the reception.  And everyone is looking at her making a fuss about how great the grass looks.

She steps back, looks a me again and says; "And you know, I do believe this is the first time I ever had a white man cut my lawn."

They roared.  There must have been 30 people laughing so hard they had to hold each other up

Nothing like that first laugh after all the emotion of a funeral.
Great story T.  It's all about humanity at the end of the day.

I Told You Mike Holmgren was a fraud ... CaryNCBrownsBacker

cat.gif

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 5:51 AM

RE: Coping with death? 


Keep in mind that everyone handles coping with death in a different way, and there is not correct way. Just be there.
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 7:39 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


biggrin Agreed great story T.  Thanks for sharing.  
CaryNCBrownsBacker wrote:
T-Dog wrote: For some reason, this made me think of an incident when I was younger and less comfortable going to funerals.  Plus, it was going to be a long, difficult service.

A good work friend of mine had an abusive father, and an older brother - a big guy - with some mental issues.  Brother stabs and kills the father.  I know the service is going to be one of those long, emotional black church services, with weeping and wailing.  And I really didn't want to sit through it.

So, I offered to watch the house for the family.  There had been robberies during funerals in the area, and I felt like I could do more for them by taking that worry off their shoulders.

The after service get together was going to be at the house, so I figured I'd spend the time getting their lawn in shape, as long as I was there.  I brought the mower and some edging tools, and I left them in the station wagon parked on the street, so they had no idea I'd be working while they were gone.

I proceeded to mow the lawn, edge, weed, shape the bushes a bit, bag everything up - did I mention it was going to be a long service? - and I had the lawn looking like a champ when all the immediate family began arriving back at the house.

The Mom - who I had met only like once before - hugs me and thanks me and compliments me on how wonderful the lawn looks for the reception.  And everyone is looking at her making a fuss about how great the grass looks.

She steps back, looks a me again and says; "And you know, I do believe this is the first time I ever had a white man cut my lawn."

They roared.  There must have been 30 people laughing so hard they had to hold each other up

Nothing like that first laugh after all the emotion of a funeral.
Great story T.  It's all about humanity at the end of the day.

"But I actually see this town loves football, no matter what. It eats, sleeps and breathes football. It's exciting to be a part of that."
McGinest 5-14-2008

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 8:07 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


As the son of a funeral director, I got lots of experience.  Seek your Mom, after all you're there to support her and others that you know more than anyone else.  Stay with your Mom while being as polite and sympathetic to others that are there.  Remember, they have feelings similar to your Mom's.

As far as visitation... Visit when your Mom does.  One thing you may find surprising, especially with the older generations is that they'll begin reminiscing.  There will be some interesting stories, I promise you.  At my own Mother's funeral I found out stuff I never knew, courtesy of her brothers and sisters.
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 8:14 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


As they say, "funerals are for the living, not the dead".   It's closure for your mom and family.  Just being there is enough.   The only faux pas I've ever encountered at calling hours/funerals are people yucking it up or speaking overly loud so as to drown others out.   The immediate family members are mourning.  Show respect.   You don't have to walk up to the coffin - though older folks always do.  If it creeps you out, don't. 

Personally, if you don't like the procession line then don't do it.   You can fade into the background and just be there for your mom.  Go grab a seat.  You can offer apologies to family members at a later time if you're mingling.  There really is no right or wrong way to do it.  You're right - it's hard to make small talk when somebody's bawling their eyes out.  If you're uncomfortable with it, I don't think anybody will hold it against you.  They're probably just appreciative you came.
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 9:58 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


Just suit up and show up.  You being there is important (though you may not know it at the time) to the the family.  I didn't know that until my mom died a year ago.  I went back to work and there was only one card from a coworker.  It was important (I had no idea it would be). 
Death is weird.

“How many consuming fires can there be in the words: freedom, peace and democracy and how easy they can be extinguished by ignorance, stupidity and arrogance?”

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 10:06 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


Obviously mom or dads sister...remember you are there for them too. Its one day of your life...just suck it up so-to-speak...be there for them..other family members...go with the flow..dont complain...stay as long as they need you to stay..help clean-up if needed at wake...be respectful...smile if needed...cry if needed...hug if needed.

All of thosethings will go a long way.

CampbellCrest-1.gif image by jfcohio63

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 10:32 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


In the last 2 years I've lost my daughter and my best friend.  They are funerals I never imagined.  While there, I was grateful for the people that showed up but I don't remember who was doing what and I really didn't care.  It was important that they were there, that's all.  There is no protocol, it's one of those things, like has been mentioned, that doing your own thing is ok, your presence is felt and is comforting but what you are doing exactly isn't even paid attention to.

If at first you don't succeed, Lequit.

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 10:44 AM

RE: Coping with death? 


Thanks guys your answers actually have made me feel much more at ease about tomorrow. No one likes having to do this but it is important to be there.
==================
Those who make peaceful resolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
The artist formerly known as SirPaul
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 3:22 PM

Re: Coping with death? 


Never say "Call me if you need anything."  They won't call, won't remember that you said that.  But you can call later.  The grieving live in a dream-like state for a few days, almost like an emotional sheild that helps them get through all the formality of funeral, visitation, crowds of people, pain.  But some difficult times lay ahead once all the ritual is over.  That is a good time to reach out with a phone call, expression of support.
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/21/2012 4:24 PM

Re: Coping with death? 




---------------------------------------------
--- CaryNCBrownsBacker wrote:


T-Dog wrote: For some reason, this made me think of an incident when I was younger and less comfortable going to funerals.  Plus, it was going to be a long, difficult service.

A good work friend of mine had an abusive father, and an older brother - a big guy - with some mental issues.  Brother stabs and kills the father.  I know the service is going to be one of those long, emotional black church services, with weeping and wailing.  And I really didn't want to sit through it.

So, I offered to watch the house for the family.  There had been robberies during funerals in the area, and I felt like I could do more for them by taking that worry off their shoulders.

The after service get together was going to be at the house, so I figured I'd spend the time getting their lawn in shape, as long as I was there.  I brought the mower and some edging tools, and I left them in the station wagon parked on the street, so they had no idea I'd be working while they were gone.

I proceeded to mow the lawn, edge, weed, shape the bushes a bit, bag everything up - did I mention it was going to be a long service? - and I had the lawn looking like a champ when all the immediate family began arriving back at the house.

The Mom - who I had met only like once before - hugs me and thanks me and compliments me on how wonderful the lawn looks for the reception.  And everyone is looking at her making a fuss about how great the grass looks.

She steps back, looks a me again and says; "And you know, I do believe this is the first time I ever had a white man cut my lawn."

They roared.  There must have been 30 people laughing so hard they had to hold each other up

Nothing like that first laugh after all the emotion of a funeral.
Great story T.  It's all about humanity at the end of the day.

---------------------------------------------
Agreed. Great story.
Reply | Quote

Posted: 2/22/2012 7:52 AM

RE: Coping with death? 


You have received some terrific advice. As T-Dog so eloquently pointed out, what is important is just being there and supporting those who need it.
LzrdKng wrote: Thanks guys your answers actually have made me feel much more at ease about tomorrow. No one likes having to do this but it is important to be there.
Reply | Quote

Posted: 2/22/2012 11:48 AM

Re: Coping with death? 


Suit up.  Show up.  When its your turn you will want someone to do it for you. 

I have been to too many for a guy my age, but I had one particular funeral a couple of years ago that kind of sticks out.  It was my friend's cousin.  He was shot while going to the convenience store to buy milk.  Just a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  He had had become muslim, but he family obviously wasn't.  My buddy called me because the guy's mom wanted him to have the muslim funeral and they didn't have the money to bury him.  I called around the community and got a friend to take care of preparing the body for burial and working with the funeral home on letting us have a payment plan.  I showed up to the service along with a bunch of guys from the mosque who had never met him either.  Was it tough and depressing.  Yes.  But would we all want someone to do the same for us if we were in that situation.  Yes.

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/22/2012 12:14 PM

Re: Coping with death? 


On a lighter note, some cope with being close to death like a boss:

Custom Forum Image

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/22/2012 12:40 PM

Re: Coping with death? 


There's some great advice on here.  I work at Hospice and see families with these questions almost everyday.  My advice has always been to show up and most importantly be yourself.  I have seen people make themselves sick by trying to act out of character, trying to be tough and holding in emotions, there's truly no right or wrong way so again I say to be yourself.  If you're a comedian, be a comedian and that keeps everyone else in a light mood, if you're shy, stay shy, just be you and stay in your comfort zone.  Don't place added pressure on yourself by trying to be something you're not.

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/22/2012 12:47 PM

Re: Coping with death? 



squirtbottle wrote:

There's some great advice on here.  I work at Hospice and see families with these questions almost everyday.  My advice has always been to show up and most importantly be yourself.  I have seen people make themselves sick by trying to act out of character, trying to be tough and holding in emotions, there's truly no right or wrong way so again I say to be yourself.  If you're a comedian, be a comedian and that keeps everyone else in a light mood, if you're shy, stay shy, just be you and stay in your comfort zone.  Don't place added pressure on yourself by trying to be something you're not.


God Bless You for your service to those in need.   Most helpful people I've ever met in my life were at St Malachi's in Cleveland.
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/22/2012 12:57 PM

Re: Coping with death? 


Thank you for the blessings.  I've never been to St. Malachi's but have always heard nothing but good things about them.  I enjoy what I do, it's a very satisfying and fulfilling job/career and I am blessed to go home and feel like I've made a difference in someones life.  Thanks again!

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/22/2012 1:45 PM

Re: Coping with death? 


I've been to and part of so many funerals it's ridiculous after a while it's just part of life. Just go and pay your respects, the people grieving aren't usually listening, they've got more on their mind. Don't strike up a conversation. They're also exhausted. Making it to the funeral is what's important.


GO BIG RED MACHINE v2.0

Last edited 2/23/2012 11:52 AM by CCClay57

Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/23/2012 11:36 AM

RE: Coping with death? 


I wanted to say it went pretty uneventful. Lots of shaking hands and giving hugs and i'm sorry for your loss'. It's kinda weird that i'm now hitting the age where I will be doing this more and more often. Kinda sad really. It's like a family reunion for all the wrong reasons.
==================
Those who make peaceful resolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
The artist formerly known as SirPaul
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/23/2012 11:46 AM

RE: Coping with death? 



LzrdKng wrote: I wanted to say it went pretty uneventful. Lots of shaking hands and giving hugs and i'm sorry for your loss'. It's kinda weird that i'm now hitting the age where I will be doing this more and more often. Kinda sad really. It's like a family reunion for all the wrong reasons.

Son, and I say that like I'm speaking to offspring... not to be a smartass.  It happens as you get older.  Wait until you're my age.

But I've come to realize... would you rather go to theirs, or have them come to yours?
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/23/2012 11:56 AM

RE: Coping with death? 


That actually is a very good point YBD
==================
Those who make peaceful resolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
The artist formerly known as SirPaul
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/23/2012 12:18 PM

Re: Coping with death? 


I lost my brother a few months ago, and last week my wife's best friend died. Both from cancer. 

Have a couple nice stories ready about the person:  what they did for you, something that you will always remember them for, even if it's a small thing but something that represents what the person was like.

Last edited 2/23/2012 12:18 PM by AustinTribeFan

Reply | Quote

Posted: 2/23/2012 12:23 PM

Re: Coping with death? 



LzrdKng wrote: I was just wondering I'm not good at funerals or calling hours. I hate the per-cession line both being in it or walking thru it, I never know what to do. I have to go to my aunts calling hours/funeral Wed and I just don't know what to do. Are there proper protocols for calling hours and funeral?

I'm not diminishing this or making lite of it but the previous 4 funerals were my 2 best friends, gpa and dad and I was toted along like a toddler for all of them. This is gonna be only the second funeral i'm going to that I am there for someone I don't know well. But I am gonna be there for my mom at all costs.
     I hate to piggy back on your loss but......and in no way am I equating your loss with mine but....
I had to put my 12 year old Golden Retriever, Bridget,  to sleep 10 days ago. She had been with me  through the most stressful years of my life during a problematic heart condition and she always made me laugh and feel lucky to share her good nature.

     It hurt and it still does but nothing compared to losing your Mom's sister...best of luck.
Liberalism...Ideas so important that we'll force you to love them!
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/23/2012 12:50 PM

RE: Coping with death? 


Don't diminish losing a dog. I think I would miss my dog more than my wife.
==================
Those who make peaceful resolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
The artist formerly known as SirPaul
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/23/2012 1:01 PM

RE: Coping with death? 



LzrdKng wrote: Don't diminish losing a dog. I think I would miss my dog more than my wife.
rotf.gif


Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/23/2012 1:02 PM

RE: Coping with death? 



ThrowItToWinslow wrote:
LzrdKng wrote: Don't diminish losing a dog. I think I would miss my dog more than my wife.
rotf.gif

Now you're sounding like a Steelers fan!  eek
Reply | Quote
Avatar

Posted: 2/23/2012 1:04 PM

RE: Coping with death? 



YankeeBigDog wrote:
ThrowItToWinslow wrote:
LzrdKng wrote: Don't diminish losing a dog. I think I would miss my dog more than my wife.
rotf.gif

Now you're sounding like a Steelers fan!  eek
eekeek
==================
Those who make peaceful resolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
The artist formerly known as SirPaul
Reply | Quote
Reply to TopicPost New Topic
  Page of 2  Next >